THE DREAD TOMATO ADDICTION

Ninety-two point four per cent of juvenile delinquents have eaten to-
matoes.
     Eighty-seven point one per cent of the adult criminals in penitentiaries
throughout the United States have eaten tomatoes.
     Informers reliably inform that of all known American Communists
ninety-two point three per cent have eaten tomatoes.
     Eighty-four per cent of all people killed in automobile accidents during
the year 1954 had eaten tomatoes.
     Those who object to singling out specific groups for statistical proofs
require measurements within in the total. Of those people born before the year
1800, regardless of race, color, creed or caste, and known to have eaten
tomatoes, there has been one hundred per cent mortality!
     In spite of their dread addiction, a few tomato eaters born between 1800
and 1850 still manage to survive, but the clinical picture is poor-their
bones are brittle, their movements feeble, their skin seamed and wrinkled,
their eyesight failing, hair falling, and frequently they have lost all their
teeth.
     Those born between 1850 and 1900 number somewhat more survivors,
but the overt signs of the addiction's dread effects differ not in kind but only
in degree of deterioration. Prognostication is not hopeful.
     Exhaustive experiment shows that when tomatoes are withheld from an
addict, invariably his cravings will cause him to turn to substitutes-such
as oranges, or steak and potatoes. If both  tomatoes and all substitutes are
persistently withheld-death invariably results within a short time!
     The skeptic of apocryphal statistics, or the stubborn nonconformist who
will not accept the clearly proved conclusions of others may conduct his
own experiment.
     Obtain two dozen tomatoes-they may actually be purchased within a
block of some high schools, or discovered growing in a respected neigh-
bor's back yard!-crush them to a pulp in exactly the state they would have
if introduced into the stomach, pour the vile juice into a bowl, and
place a goldfish therein. Within minutes the goldfish will be dead!
     Those who argue that what affects a goldfish might not apply to a human
being may, at their own choice, wish to conduct a direct experiment by fully
immersing a live human head* into the mixture for a full five minutes.

* It is suggested that best results will be obtained by using an experimental subject who is
thoroughly familiar with and frequently uses the logical methods demonstrated herein, such as:

(a) The average politician. Extremely unavailable to the average citizen except during the short
open season before election.

(b) The advertising copywriter. Extremely wary and hard to catch due to his experience with many
lawsuits for fraudulent claims.

(c) The dedicated moralist. Extremely plentiful in supply, and the experimenter might even obtain
a bounty on each from a grateful community.